Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Miami Dolphins

Some people are fans of the Miami Dolphins. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Miami Dolphins. This 2016 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here. And buy Drew’s new book here. Your team: Miami Dolphins: Your 2015 record: 6-10, including a 1-3 start that prompted the firing of Joe Philbin and the glorious ascendancy of this man… God bless you, Weight Room Tomsula. Dan Campbell started off his reign in Miami by having players do the Oklahoma Drill. I wonder if fatigue could have been a factor in them dropping seven of their last 10. ONLY GOD CAN KNOW. One amusing NFL tradition is when a horrible team’s season is over and the interim guy gets a token interview for the permanent job. I guarantee you that Campbell thought he had a chance. I guarantee you that he stormed into that conference room with a vein bursting from his dick and a PowerPoint presentation that consisted of nothing but scans of GNC product labels. WE’RE GONNA PLAY FUCKING DOLPHIN FOOTBALL, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! Anyway, he didn’t get job. Instead, it went to man who bench presses a good 350 pounds less… Your coach: Why, it’s Adam Gase: quarterback whisperer and, as seen here, sixth in line to the British crown… Prior to this, Gase served as offensive coordinator to sitcom father John Fox, both in Denver and Chicago. His quarterback in Denver was Peyton Manning, who coaches himself quite ably, thank you very much. And his quarterback in Chicago was Mr. IDGAF himself, Jay Cutler. Gase helped Cutler cut down on his interceptions, an accomplishment so widely heralded you would have thought Gase built the fucking pyramids by hand. But take a closer look and you will find that Cutler’s completion percentage dropped last season, along with his yardage, his touchdowns, and his ability to name children. So really, has Adam Gase ever really done anything? I say no. His most recent innovation is to have rookies not practice in minicamp, and take classes instead. PRETTY DISRUPTIVE SHIT. If I know anything about NFL players, it’s that they love meetings. Your quarterback: Ryan Tannehill, who is polite enough to act as scout team for his own scout team… On Saturday during practice, [Ryan] Tannehill, after a couple of practice squad players forced turnovers, Tannehill made negative comments toward them, including saying: “Enjoy your practice squad paycheck, enjoy your practice squad trophy.” Good luck repairing that damage, Adam Gase. You just voluntarily signed up to fix the bastard son of Ronnie Pawlus. Dolphins players and executives enjoy the sport of shitting on Tannehill more than football itself. Even Philbin—a hilariously oblivious man who wouldn’t notice his house is on fire until it collapsed on him—knew Tannehill was worthless and sought to get rid of him before the Dolphins ponied up over $21 million in guarantees in a futile, ongoing attempt to make him happen. WAGS and opposing players openly clown Tannehill, because they KNOW the rest of the team doesn’t have his back. This is how the Dolphins operate. It’s not enough to lose. Every season must also devolve into a round of limp, catty backstabbing. They are a reality show you have no interest in ever watching. Right, Miko? And I haven’t even gotten to Suh yet. What’s new that sucks: I don’t think it’s the greatest omen that snatching up a free-falling Laremy Tunsil during the draft represents the smartest move the Dolphins have made in YEARS. People close to Tunsil could precipitate his downfall at any given moment. A disgruntled financial adviser could cut his brakes. An angry stepdad could replace his cleats with bowling shoes. He’s already gotten into training camp fights. And yet, Tunsil represents the absolute apex of this franchise’s shrewdness. Because look elsewhere. They extended Tannehill. They paid Ndamukong Suh a bazillion dollars to turd up the joint. They lost their best running back to Houston and replaced him with Arian Foster’s slam poetry collection. They traded for Byron Maxwell AND Kiko Alonso, both of whom are overpriced and injured. Howie Roseman was willing to leave these two in front of his driveway with a “FREE” sign on them and the Dolphins were still dumb enough to swap first rounders for the right to have them pollute the roster. This team is a perpetual, low-key trainwreck, and all the Gase-mandated nightclub etiquette training videos aren’t gonna make a difference. Do you know they were rumored to bring in Marco Rubio at one point to help with all this? Good fucking God. What has always sucked: I love it when a free agent signing goes awry in the exact way EVERYONE expected. Suh didn’t even give you fans a full season before he reverted to being a disgruntled, underachieving prick. He wore sneakers to practice. He made his usual frowny face to any reporter within an 80-yard radius. He gleefully ignored playcalling. Oh, and basically declared himself emperor of the team: “I run this defense,” Suh said, via Rapoport. “I’m going to be here for the next five years, there’s no guarantee any of you will be as well. Only a handful of guys are good enough to play with me right now.” And it’s not just many of his teammates Suh believes aren’t good enough – he also said the Dolphins’ defensive schemes weren’t good enough, the techniques were not good enough, and everyone needed to play better. I think if I ran an NFL team, I would pay $60 million just to ensure that Suh is never on my roster. Imagine showing up to work every day with Haynesworth II lording over the joint. How long would you last before scouring your LinkedIn contact list? A month? I bet Gase already spends every dinnertime bitching about him. Just one angry bite of chicken after the next. This Roger Corman production of a franchise is exactly what Miami deserves, of course. South Florida is where America goes to fall apart. It is our national case of jock itch. Even O.J. Simpson unraveled down here. I was watching the O.J. doc and after O.J. fled to Miami to avoid paying civil suit damages from murdering two people, his former agent was like, “Ugh. Fucking Florida. That’s where O.J. REALLY turned evil.” Miami is living proof that there are no depths to which mankind cannot stoop. The traffic is miserable. All the seniors living there have no interest in paying taxes for infrastructure, so the schools look like the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse. The humidity infects everyone’s brain with toxic mold. Live gunfire is everywhere. And I’m talking about the NICE part of Florida. The sinking garbage patch that is Miami is a veritable oasis compared to the rest of its gangrenous mother state. Florida needs to die so that the rest of us might live on. What might not suck: Look at this catch. Goddamn. Let’s remember some Dolphins: Karim Abdul-Jabbar Tim Bowens Damon Huard Sammie Smith Ferrell Edmunds Hear it from Dolphins fans! Taylor: We lead the league in players that we consider addition by subtraction. “If we can just get rid of that guy, we’ll catapult ourselves to relevance,” we have said of Mike Wallace, Gibril Wilson, Phillip Wheeler, Dallas Thomas, Chad Henne, and other boobs. I once non-ironically said “In Parcells we trust” even though I was born in 1992, ten years after he was relevant. The Dolphins make me stupid. Steve: Last season with a winning record: 2008 (8 years ago) Last season making the playoffs: 2008 (8 years ago) Last season winning a playoff game: 2000 (16 years ago) Last season making it to the AFC Championship: 1992 (24 years ago) Last season making it to the Super Bowl: 1984 (32 years ago) Last season winning the Super Bowl: 1973 (43 years ago) Justin: Chad Pennington – Tony Sparano Jay Fiedler – Dave Wannstedt Those are the only two QB – Coach combos to get the Dolphins to the playoffs since Dan Marino retired. Seriously, we can’t beat that. We’ve had 17 years to figure it out, and that’s the best we’ve done. Kill me. Roberto: What can I say about the Dolphins that hasn’t already been said? They suck and need to get out of my life forever. People got better things to do down here, like mortgage fraud, identify theft, Medicare fraud, and social security fraud. Alex: I’m a lifelong Dolphins fan who was born, raised and still live in Washington STATE. I’m a fan of a team that is physically furthest from my locale. I’ve had to endure the rise of the Seahawks from a shit dick franchise to one of the best in the NFL. Whenever I tell people I’m a fan of the Dolphins, I’m always met with a, “How does one become a Dolphins fan…?”. They were cool in the early 90s and out of principle, I’ve stuck with them. Now it’s some weird badge of honor for myself to haplessly like this shit franchise. This team is quickly falling into the “oh that team exists? Huh, yeah I guess so.” category with all those 6-10, 7-9 and 8-8 seasons. This team is the definition of mediocre. Their only semblance of relevance is the fact Dan Marino once played there. Also, no matter where you are in the country, you always see some guy in his mid-50s with a Dolphins hat. Fuck Jimmy Johnson. Becca: Let me preface this by saying I had absolutely no choice in who I was going to root for from the moment I left the womb in Boca Raton, FL. I was born into a family of Miami fans who got to witness the No-Name Defense, the Perfect Season, the Super Bowl wins, and who still worship Don Shula as a god. Meanwhile, management has been absolutely abysmal since 2008 and I don’t have much hope that I’ll even get to see the Dolphins reach the playoffs again in my lifetime. By the way, somehow being slightly below average for the past 8 years is 110% worse than the 1-15 2007 season. If you’re going to lose, at least be consistent and lose out to get some halfway decent draft picks for Christ’s sake. Spencer: I went back to find my years-old entry for WYTS out of curiosity today. Not a single thing has changed. The Pats have even won another Bowl since then. Fuck the Dolphins man. I’m 23 and haven’t seen the Dolphins in the playoffs since my sophomore year of high school. Somehow, it’s the third make-or-break year in a row for Ryan Tannehill. But hey, at least the team has some history (disclaimer: I wasn’t even close to alive for their 70's heyday and I barely remember Marino). That vague sense of “history” is pretty much the only reason I haven’t stopped watching and hoping the Fins somehow escape the .500 (at best) malaise they’ve been stuck in my entire life. It’s the NFL fandom equivalent of a millennial voting for Trump; the strong desire to go back to the good ol’ days coupled with absolutely no experience in actually living through those days. Carlos: Just another year of my Dad swearing that some no-name wide receiver we just picked up from Buffalo’s 2013 scout team will be the next Mark Duper. Mike: The Dolphins have effectively sucked out every ounce of joy I once had watching the NFL. They have embarrassed me so many times that I find no reason to defend their actions when they once again become a laughingstock, I just laugh along with people now, it’s just so much easier. I’m a broken man. I once tried to list all the embarrassing things the team had done in the last 10 years to you in an email but thought it would be too much for you to read. I’d like to point out that Steve Ross is the only owner not able to secure public money to renovate his stadium … perhaps ever. He passive aggressively threatened to move the team but public officials either didn’t believe him or just didn’t care. Do you know how hard it is to NOT get money from the city of Miami; the most openly and proudly corrupt city in America? … Fuck! Steve Ross IS the Miami Dolphins of “Rich Guy-ing”! He claimed it would be near impossible to get the Super Bowl to be hosted here again if they didn’t renovate. Sure, bud. The capital of sun, blow, fake tits, beach resort hotels per square mile, and the place every one of your NFL cronies already has a winter mansion in couldn’t possibly ever host the Super Bowl again. This dickhole took our logo, which no one asked to be changed, and gave us the stylized equivalent of a neon aqua pastel gonorrhea discharge, this shit wouldn’t even fly for a 90’s logo. We’re talking about a guy who extended Joe Philbin’s contract only to fire him six months later and was the last person in the room to realize that Jeff “Is Your Mother a Whore, Dez Bryant?” Ireland had as much business managing an NFL franchise as Ted Ginn Jr. had being drafted in the first round. I’ll finish by noting that I would have made my fantasy playoffs and subsequently won the league by a mile if the Dolphins secondary had simply held Odell Beckham to 35 points or less … he broke an 85 yard touchdown on a blown coverage with 11 minutes to play. I changed my team’s name to the very witty “Fuck The Dolphins” the second that frosted tipped bastard crossed the goal line. I like it, it has a certain je ne sais quoi to it, rolls off the tongue … I’ll be keeping it this year. Fuck Nick Saban with Jeff Ireland’s dick and Dave Wannstedt’s mustache in perpetuity accounting for annual compounded interest. Dylan: The most interesting thing to happen in the off season was a former player’s wife making anti-semitic comments about the team’s management. Tannehill looks like he’d be confused by a revolving door and we’re supposed to be excited because he’s been given the ability to audible at the line. Jay: Cleo Lemon. Steve: A quick breakdown of the offense. A receiver is playing QB. When running the ball, he will hand the ball off to either a British person, or an out-of-his-prime back who is made entirely of glass held together with Elmer’s glue sticks (but his brother is a really good trainer who minimizes injuries…). When passing, he will overthrow the most talented player on the team who will then get killed, or underthrow a wide open promising 2nd year receiver by 10 goddamn yards, which will get returned for 6. This year hinges on a coordinator who led the Bears to a whopping 18th place in total offense and a 6-10 record. I’m this close to burning my family ties, flipping my dad off, and rooting for Jay Cutler and the goddamn Bears. Geoffrey: I don’t remember what season it was but I was at a Dolphins-Chargers game and on third and forever, backed up to their own end zone, Tannehill took a 3-step drop and was immediately obliterated by the pass rushers. The refs threw a flag and called roughing the passer and my entire section started cheering, congratulating the offensive line for getting us the call. Because they were so fucking bad at everything, we were desperate to cheer for something. Tim: An unabridged list of reasons the Dolphins have made national news, last 10 years: -2015: Coach gets fired, new coach is a caveman whose strategy of ‘only run the ball up the middle every play’ is amazing for two weeks before being figured out and destroyed -2013: 350lb lineman bullies other 350lb lineman -2007: Team somehow goes entire season snapping the ball directly to the running back, wins division Fin. Tyler: I don’t care about the Dolphins anymore. I grew up loving the Dolphins, even as they consistently failed once the temperatures dropped below 65. I put my faith in dopes like Jay Fiedler and Chad Pennington, hoping against hope that they could put 1/10 of a Marino season together. But no, that never happened. They haven’t won a playoff game since I was in elementary school. They stumble through seasons, blissfully unaware that they need to win games in order to make the playoffs. We’ve had so many late season collapses that they blend together in my brain like one long death march into January. And now? The team, the ownership, the coaching, they clearly don’t give a shit. They want the season to end as much as I do. I’ve watched them sleepwalk through games against the Bills and the Jets, get crushed by the Chargers, lose to Jacksonville of all teams. By Week 17, when they beat the fucking Patriots, robbing them of home field advantage and gifting a hobbled Peyton the 1 seed, I shrugged and said “huh, look at that” when the score popped up on my phone. I’d say fuck the Dolphins, but that would require exertion. Just go away, Ryan Tannehill, please leave me alone. Elliot: They built these pointy new… things?…on which I could impale myself after 8 more losses but alas, they’re too high to reach. What a tease. Jeff: The most interesting Dolphins storylines in the past decade have occurred on two HBO television shows (Hard Knocks and Ballers) which aren’t particularly good. Actually they both suck aside from further perpetuating the stereotype that all free agents should sign in Miami to end their careers in a drug-fueled sex rampage. Honestly, I can’t blame them. Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Next up: Tampa Bay Bucs. Relatedunderdogparlayplay fantasy footballsleeper fantasy footballdabbleowners box fantasydraftkings fantasy football onlinetesting fan duel fantasyunderdog offersparlayplay promo codessleeper football promosdabble online bonus codeowners box reload bonusdraftkings fantasy offersfanduel fantasy football promotions